I'm willing to write, but my brain won't focus.
A structureless essay - What do you do when you can't focus?
Today is one of those days, where I want to write and have had at least ten new text ideas within the last 48 hours, but I don’t remember any of them. And I don’t want to write about my back-up series “Walk the hill”, because I don’t feel it. Is this a valid writer’s statement? I don’t feel this story today, so I don’t write about it. I bet every writer has once felt like this, it just seems natural. But somehow it makes me feel bad as well. Shouldn’t I just push through this feeling and write? Even though I write now, just not what is on my schedule. Shouldn’t we, as thoughtful, reflected, knowledgeable, wise writers, know ourselves and creativity better than giving in to a mood? I know I could write that essay now, but … I just don’t feel like it. And when I don’t feel it, my essays usually don’t get as good. Or at least it’s what I imagine.
Anyway, today I give in to this mood because my brain won’t focus. My sight feels blurry, though it isn’t. I have some kind of brain fog wafting around. It’s all been a bit too much these past weeks, working six days a week (OH! Essay idea came back! Let me take a note). I’m hustling and working and running errands and they still keep piling up. I have a jumpsuit from past October and a ball gown worn in February hanging in my bedroom that I still haven’t managed to take to the laundry. I don’t even dare to look at it anymore because I’m so annoyed of myself when I do. Funny how these little things can haunt you.
Also, I’m grateful that my partner and I are living together for a few years know because otherwise I bet the chaos I’m creating right now would make him question our living situation very soon (paper boxes collected in the pantry in case someone buys an artwork, dahlias growing on the kitchen table, seeds on every windowsill in the living room, holiday guides on the sofa, laundry in the bedroom, half-neglected-and-almost-dead plants here and there, etc.).
What was the point I was trying to make? (Scrolls up to look at the headline).
Ah, yes. I’m willing to write, but my brain won’t focus. I’m willing to write. After two years of writing blocks and searching for my new writerly voice, I start to see it again. Writing is a joy again, not a difficult task, like it had been for so long. I’d love to engage more on substack, as it’s a wonderful place. I’d love to publish weekly, instead of bi-weekly, but it just doesn’t fit into my life right now. Hopefully one day it does. I’m willing to write; about my days and creativity, about life and all the moods and feelings.
Even though my brain won’t focus today, I know it doesn’t mean I’ve lost my writerly voice again, like I did two years ago. It just means my brain is currently working elsewhere. It’s on a mission to figure out a way to get all tasks done and have spare time left. Maybe it’s also brewing up a new idea. My current collection of artworks is almost finished, and I already notice that I’m searching for new inspiration and ideas in small, unconscious moments. There are sparks of inspiration all around – for art and for essays – but on some days I can’t grab them, get hold of them or put them into more than an imagination. Today is one of those days.
By allowing my brain to lack focus, I allow it to wander. I allow my brain and body to have off days, though sometimes it takes an essay like this to make me realise it’s fine and help me to calm down and relax. Though in case my ten essay ideas come back, I might carry a pen and a paper with me all day. Sometimes, ideas come back. I’m having them at my fingertip. But sometimes, they won’t (don’t they dare this time! They were so good!).
What are you doing on off days, when you’re having a hard time to focus, but still want to write? I have written this structureless text and to some degree it helped.
About me: I’m Mareike, the writer of this newsletter hills to heart. I’m also the writer of my free Studio Journal newsletter, my Studio Blog and an artist, trying to capture the world around me with oils, watercolour or whatelse comes my way. Recently, I launched my art online shop, which you’re welcome to explore.